“I’d like mental breakdown strength”

SO today was grand. NOT. It was one of those days where I wake up okay, just to start going about my day and experience several meltdowns. I woke up to a whining dog that wanted to out for a walk. Not a big deal, but enough to send me over the edge. Simply because I was reminded that I am responsible for so many more things in my life than just myself. Who cries while walking the dog?!?!?! I did. Just thinking about the day ahead, which was nothing serious-just the thoughts of having to get groceries, do laundry, clean the house, run other errands, OH and also try to work a few hours to make some money. Those thoughts are all it took to send me into a downward spiral. I don’t want to drink my woes away, don’t use any other drugs, but I NEED SOME KIND OF SOMETHING to take me down a few levels when I can’t seem to pull myself together. Went to WalMart-nice, look at all the families here together. Missing my husband comes in waves. I tend to lose it when I’m doing things, or thinking of things, we usually do together. I spent many years as a single mom and I CRUSHED that role. I had alll my shit together, I wasn’t dependent on anyone or any assistance. Everything that needed to get done, got done, without a second thought about the fact that I was doing it alone. Where did that strength go??? “I did it before, I can do it again” kept playing through my mind. BUT I DON’T WANT TO DO IT ALONE. He calls, a call which of course I have to pay for, and I had a complete screaming and venting fit, followed by “sorry, I had to vent”. LIKE-SERIOUSLY-I’m JUST running errands, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!!! Welp, that wasn’t happening. On top of it my two favorite Netflix series’ I have been binging on have both ended. I FEEL LOST. I was driving down the street and saw a “smoke shop” type of place that advertised having CBD oil. I’ve seen social media posts of people praising the stuff for pretty much any ailment or complaint they have. So I went in, not knowing what I should ask for-just told the guy that I want to try it. He asks “what strain and strength do you want?” My response…”I need mental breakdown strength”. Without even batting an eye or making a face he hands me a little brown bottle and tells me to start by taking half a dropperful at a time. I get home and take an entire dropperful. It’s okay I guess. It didn’t sedate me or anything, but I did feel like I had gotten knocked down a few notches from the super high mental space I was in. At least now it’s the time of evening where I cook dinner, I’M DOING LAUNDRY (yay me), and it will be bedtime in a couple hours. Enter the freakout of tomorrow being Monday and REAL LIFE starting over again. I guess I will deal with that in the morning, with CBD oil readily available and in reach at all times. Adulting is freaking hard and sometimes sucks. I need a guide, or something. THEN it came to me: think of how you did it before and just do it again. OH…that reminds me, i bought a new shirt over the weekend at the thrift store for $2.99. It says on it “NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP”. Maybe if I wear it every day it will help?? Let’s see.

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